Juicy Wet Pussy

Hello fellow insiders. Well, this is my first blog for the month of August and where did our heatwave go? I think it rightly ended with gay pride last weekend. What didn't end with gay pride weekend, however, are the events taking place in the city this month. Most are queer related. I was hoping one event in particular would keep the summer heatwave going.

Last Thursday my friend "X" and I went to Queerotica 2009. This took place at the Roundhouse Community Centre in Yaletown. The event was hosted by Zena Sharman, who seductively teased and stripped for us throughout the evening, and had a slew of presenters and readers from all walks of queer life. Okay, perhaps that was an exaggeration. Most of the readers were artists-cum-writers-cum-performance artists-cum-directors-cum-actors. Phew! It's amazing any of these people have time to have a sex life to write about in the first place.

Perhaps that is why the erotica fell short of expectations. All but a few of the readers went for comedic effect. Not good when you're trying to turn me on. One guy, Dane McFadhen, had a promising story consisting of deviant sexual escapades with his partner in various public places in Montreal. Tres raunchy! He chose to end his story with a rather unpleasant scene in a public bathroom involving an ill-timed bowel movement in the stall next to his. His story literally stinks. Moving on.

One person came decked out in top hat and tails, and I knew this was bad news. Cheesy, non-erotic outfit, equals bland storytelling. To my surprise her story was high end pornography, involving episodes of fisting, spanking and kink. I felt like she used too many "volcano" and "fire" metaphors, but all-in-all, her story wasn't half bad. Where she faltered was in her clumsy delivery. "X" leaned in close to me and whispered, "will she take those cotton balls out of her mouth!" Note to readers: if you are going to read your work publicly, learn to read. Meow.

I'm afraid the other stories were simply too comical to be considered erotic, or they were written too stylistically intricate and therefore bored the audience (one lesbian sitting next to me hissed crankily to her partner, "I thought this was supposed to be erotic"). Yes I know I am being a bit harsh, but when you go to an event designed to turn you on and it comes up short, you leave with a limp dick and not even so much as blue balls. A tad disappointing.

Only one reader had my ears perked. Elaine Miller. Dominatrix. Techie. Writer. Sex goddess. With a creamy tone in her voice she ejaculated, "she had a juicy wet pussy". The audience percolated and shifted in their seats. Elaine cooed and oozed sensuality and sexuality for the next five minutes. No stilted oral deliverance; no raunchy toilet humour; no misplaced humour at all. Just hot erotica, like what the event promised us.

I do need to talk about the artwork on display at the Roundhouse. "X" and I had had enough and got up to leave, but I insisted we take a quick scan of the artwork. The works are done by local queer artists and a re-imagined version of Botticelli's Birth of Venus stood out immediately. Pride in Art runs from late July to August 14 at the Roundhouse. Some events are by donation or have a small admission price. I believe to go and view the art on display is free. So please take the time to support local artists. In fact, the art is what stood out to me at Queerotica more than the, ahem, erotica. Frankly, I got more turned on watching old episodes of Sex and the City.